Posts Tagged ‘ relationships ’

The Importance Of Having Someone “Earn” You by Bella Bardot

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I have been guilty of idolizing certain people. Because of my many life experiences and my high comfort level in dealing with other human beings and multiple personalities, I have a pretty strong sense of perception. Many times, I sense qualities in people before they even demonstrate them straight out to me- so it’s easy for me to engross myself in severely liking a person before they even earn it.

The problem is that when a person is placed in a position where they don’t have to”earn” your love and loyalty, they can take your person for granted rather easily, and the “bubble of illusion” that you created inevitably pops- and it pops LOUDLY.

It is essential in the beginning of any type of relationship- work/friendship/love – that you take your time in allowing the other to “earn” your person. By this I mean to make sure to allow sufficient quality time to pass before you skip to the conclusion that this is someone you want in your corner. Be vigilant.

No relationship that starts with lack of quality time and work put in equally by both parties will stand the test of time. All relationships are based on compromise  and a healthy dose of generosity on both parts- and if one of you keeps making excuses for the other because in your heart you just “know” they mean well, you are only hurting yourself.

I have recently committed to a new strategy of weeding out whether or not I want to expend energy on a person, and it has worked well not only in decyphering between new people that I meet, but it has also highlighted the inequalities in my current relationships with others, and has led me to cut them off in a very necessary way to balance out the field. I simply don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t as generous towards me the way that I am towards them.

The strategy involves writing down the  qualities that make a person either generous or selfish. I take a piece of paper and divide it with the categories  “GENEROUS” and “SELFISH”. Underneath each, I write the appropriate examples when the person has reacted a certain way that fits under each category.

When you force yourself to write these down, it makes it more difficult to dismiss or overlook the issues that you might overlook should you only be thinking about it. When you see things in black and white it makes things a lot more clear. No excuses.

If at any moment the “Selfish” category starts to dominate, it’s time to cut your involvement. Even if it’s even with the “Generous” category- you should still proceed with caution.

Try not to be fooled by those people that have the gift of gab- just because they can talk their way through something does not mean they are being honest. Usually grabbers are entertainers, and they know how to mimic the desires of the  person they are dealing with versus engaging them with honest conversation about their own expectations.

Make the people in your life accountable. Allow yourself then the freedom to know that you are surrounded only with those that truly have your best interest at heart, as you do theirs. This enables you to become truly productive and happy in your environment. Everything else is just plain unecessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why Sexual Incompatibility is a Relationship Deal-Breaker!

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Humor and a compatible moral-gage  are essential in building a lasting relationship, however, sex is the mortar that holds all the bricks together.

When the inevitable routine and daily grind kick in, if sexual chemistry isn’t there to keep one entertained, the relationship is doomed to fail. No matter how much you respect and value the person you’ve chosen, if you aren’t “hot” for them from the beginning, you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Sex can keep you stable when all else is failing because  it’s what the two of you share that makes it intimate and just between both of you. It’s your glue.

There are some people you will meet that are perfect “on paper” and with whom you can have good friendships with, but almost immediately you feel the sexual chemistry is just unexplainably “off”.

It could be a physical attribute that bothers you (usually this is what bad chemistry is linked to since everything starts with the visual). It may be a large hooked nose or  ugly feet- something that would have been a deal-breaker for you should they not have been so otherwise “perfect”.

Long-lasting relationships usually have explosive chemistry almost immediately.  Eventually, whatever bothers you about a person initially, will not only remain, but it will grow in the shadows of the compromise that you silently made, and you will eventually take it out in your mate because unbeknownst  to them, you subconsciously “shorted” yourself.

Dating someone with whom the sex is “only mediocre” is asking for a heartbreak. It’s better to be alone and ready for your one true love than let your one true love pass you by because you settled for the wrong choice. Take your time. Don’t settle. Life is meant to be enjoyed!

 

 

 

(If Youre A Woman Over 40 and Single, You Are Not Going To Want To Hear This) by Bella Bardot

As a marketer for my business and a writer, I have a personality that is curious and open with pretty much every person I come across.

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a music festival. The headliners are friends of a friend, so we all sat around talking at the after party. Immediately, I realized the incredible opportunity I had to interview the band members for my research. After all, band members are notorious for being “experienced” with the female gender.

Surely enough, as we engaged in conversations with the band, a multitude of women tried to keep interrupting with their flirtation and their feminine wiles. But who are you kidding, I’m Bella Bardot, creator of magical potions based on ancient recipes that work with human pheromones for attraction– needless to say, I had a slight upper hand.

As I made them comfortable with my interrogations, I started working my way into the “QUESTION”. Why are men over 40 so difficult to make settle down, and why are there more and more women having difficulty with this particular age group of men when it comes to dating and relationships?

The answer I got was astounding, and it came so fast out of the gate I had to take a step back and take a breath.

One band member looked at me and said “MEN DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED. Not just men over 40, but NO MAN really wants to get married. We usually do it because its the next logical step in society, or because we have an instinct to procreate, but its an unnatural state. If men were sincere, they would all tell you they would rather stay single, we are just not interested.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard this before, it’s nothing new. It’s what he followed the statement with that made it really sink in as the ULTIMATE truth.

He said, “I know what you’re gonna ask me next– what about love, what about companionship? The truth is we find love in many forms, the love of one female is just not as important to us as the love of a male is for our female counterparts. You guys grew up with the Cinderella stories that practically ingrained in your heads that this is the ultimate goal. Guys are just not like that. We like toys, we like work, we like boy time, we like sex and we like the chase.

I know more married couples that are lonelier than my single male friends. Married couples can’t go outside the constraints that they have set up for themselves in the marriage like a single guy, so their only choice is either talk to their partners or start to withdraw within themselves and their hobbies or work. They live a really lonely life even though they are ‘accompanied’.

A single man can talk to everybody. We can have one lover or we can have many. If we’re bored, we can usually pack up and go somewhere at any time, without ‘permission’ or worry. Financially, we are not burdened the stress of what is ‘expected’ because you’re married. You can buy a house or you don’t have to. And you’re not expected to mow the lawn on Saturdays. It’s great!”

It sounded great. As a matter of fact, he was making such a good argument I was actually considering becoming a single male. Then I turned the questioning  around. I asked him what , if ANYTHING, might make a man like him commit.

“Chemistry” he said. “There might come a time in a man’s life when he come across that one woman that he is hot for in a way he’s never been hot for anyone else. That one female that, although he has tried his hardest to convince himself that she does not fit with him because of this or that flaw, is the female that keeps proving herself worthy to him no matter what. That one female whose baggage starts looking more and more like assets. That’s when we want to put everything else on the back burner and jump in. And we tend to know this right away, although we might take our time in trying to disqualify her.”

Apparently, a qualifying female is a nightmare-come-true for most males. She represents the end of his era as the ultimate free playboy, the ultimate man’s man. She represents a passion and a love that he is not interested in getting to know, because with that comes feelings that men aren’t too keen in exploring all the time. She represents the ultimate ball and chain. But when that one woman comes around, that is the only time they might consider nuptial bliss.

As he was talking to me a young woman (younger than 25), passed by us. He immediately said, “Now see her I could marry today”. He was joking, but I immediately questioned his interest in the young woman.

He looked at me and said, “Let’s take you, for example. As we were playing our set today we all noticed how  men kept asking you to dance, and both the men and the women at the party kept looking every time you walked by. You are a very attractive woman, probably prettier than the girl that just walked by, and 9 out of 10 men might pick you out of the two when it comes to looks.

The reality is, that girl probably isn’t set up yet. She’s got questions about life, she doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things because she doesn’t have the experience. And it’s not that we find that attractive, we find it safe. With her, we don’t have to have all the answers. We’re old enough to know more than she does by default anyway so we are probably going to look like winners with her every time. We don’t have to put much effort, and that’s the draw.

Take a woman like yourself,  on the other hand. You are a woman that one can tell is made up of substance. You seem educated just by the way you carry yourself. You can tell you do well on your own just by the way you dress.  When you speak, you might immediately make a man wonder if you might be smarter than he is. Your sense of humor is on point, but that only means we have to stay on our toes so the next guy doesn’t come to try to swoop in on you. To a normal guy, you are WORK.

We know that with a woman like yourself we would be held to a different standard, and that’s when the ordinary guy will start to question whether a woman like you is worth it. I mean, sure you’re beautiful and an incredible asset,  the kids a man might have with a woman like yourself would probably come out magical, and with you he could probably reach a potential he never even dreamed of, but you’re WORK.

It takes a man that is at a point in his life where he welcomes that challenge to better his life in that way. But its a different kind of better. It’s almost like leaving that easy job for the one that’s going to let you retire on an island, it might pay off, but you’re gonna work your ass off before you get there.”

So the ever alluding answer gets closer to me in understanding this age group of men. I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter what you look like, how intelligent you are, how well you can cook or keep house, or what a great lover or companion you can be. We are working against the grain from the get-go.

After sleeping on this conversation, I realized there is only one solution.

A WOMAN HAS TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY ON HER OWN AND FOR HERSELF. Her focus has to come away form the emotion-inducing men in her life, and she has to start concentrating on the quality of her own journey.

Insofar as the woman currently suffering because of the inability to commit of her man? She has to stop making excuses for that man she wants by her side, and she has got to turn the tables around and realize it is the MAN that is too much work.

She should stop the hoop-jumping IMMEDIATELY, stop the ultimatums, and send him to go f*ck off.  She should simply not waste her time with a male that is not up for her challenge,and she should turn around and find herself a better man than that, one truly worthy of being adored because he is ready, willing and MORE THAN ABLE.

And stronger pheromones. I’m going to start adding stronger pheromones to my products. 🙂

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