Posts Tagged ‘ he doesnt want to marry me ’

(If Youre A Woman Over 40 and Single, You Are Not Going To Want To Hear This) by Bella Bardot

As a marketer for my business and a writer, I have a personality that is curious and open with pretty much every person I come across.

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a music festival. The headliners are friends of a friend, so we all sat around talking at the after party. Immediately, I realized the incredible opportunity I had to interview the band members for my research. After all, band members are notorious for being “experienced” with the female gender.

Surely enough, as we engaged in conversations with the band, a multitude of women tried to keep interrupting with their flirtation and their feminine wiles. But who are you kidding, I’m Bella Bardot, creator of magical potions based on ancient recipes that work with human pheromones for attraction– needless to say, I had a slight upper hand.

As I made them comfortable with my interrogations, I started working my way into the “QUESTION”. Why are men over 40 so difficult to make settle down, and why are there more and more women having difficulty with this particular age group of men when it comes to dating and relationships?

The answer I got was astounding, and it came so fast out of the gate I had to take a step back and take a breath.

One band member looked at me and said “MEN DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED. Not just men over 40, but NO MAN really wants to get married. We usually do it because its the next logical step in society, or because we have an instinct to procreate, but its an unnatural state. If men were sincere, they would all tell you they would rather stay single, we are just not interested.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard this before, it’s nothing new. It’s what he followed the statement with that made it really sink in as the ULTIMATE truth.

He said, “I know what you’re gonna ask me next– what about love, what about companionship? The truth is we find love in many forms, the love of one female is just not as important to us as the love of a male is for our female counterparts. You guys grew up with the Cinderella stories that practically ingrained in your heads that this is the ultimate goal. Guys are just not like that. We like toys, we like work, we like boy time, we like sex and we like the chase.

I know more married couples that are lonelier than my single male friends. Married couples can’t go outside the constraints that they have set up for themselves in the marriage like a single guy, so their only choice is either talk to their partners or start to withdraw within themselves and their hobbies or work. They live a really lonely life even though they are ‘accompanied’.

A single man can talk to everybody. We can have one lover or we can have many. If we’re bored, we can usually pack up and go somewhere at any time, without ‘permission’ or worry. Financially, we are not burdened the stress of what is ‘expected’ because you’re married. You can buy a house or you don’t have to. And you’re not expected to mow the lawn on Saturdays. It’s great!”

It sounded great. As a matter of fact, he was making such a good argument I was actually considering becoming a single male. Then I turned the questioning  around. I asked him what , if ANYTHING, might make a man like him commit.

“Chemistry” he said. “There might come a time in a man’s life when he come across that one woman that he is hot for in a way he’s never been hot for anyone else. That one female that, although he has tried his hardest to convince himself that she does not fit with him because of this or that flaw, is the female that keeps proving herself worthy to him no matter what. That one female whose baggage starts looking more and more like assets. That’s when we want to put everything else on the back burner and jump in. And we tend to know this right away, although we might take our time in trying to disqualify her.”

Apparently, a qualifying female is a nightmare-come-true for most males. She represents the end of his era as the ultimate free playboy, the ultimate man’s man. She represents a passion and a love that he is not interested in getting to know, because with that comes feelings that men aren’t too keen in exploring all the time. She represents the ultimate ball and chain. But when that one woman comes around, that is the only time they might consider nuptial bliss.

As he was talking to me a young woman (younger than 25), passed by us. He immediately said, “Now see her I could marry today”. He was joking, but I immediately questioned his interest in the young woman.

He looked at me and said, “Let’s take you, for example. As we were playing our set today we all noticed how  men kept asking you to dance, and both the men and the women at the party kept looking every time you walked by. You are a very attractive woman, probably prettier than the girl that just walked by, and 9 out of 10 men might pick you out of the two when it comes to looks.

The reality is, that girl probably isn’t set up yet. She’s got questions about life, she doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things because she doesn’t have the experience. And it’s not that we find that attractive, we find it safe. With her, we don’t have to have all the answers. We’re old enough to know more than she does by default anyway so we are probably going to look like winners with her every time. We don’t have to put much effort, and that’s the draw.

Take a woman like yourself,  on the other hand. You are a woman that one can tell is made up of substance. You seem educated just by the way you carry yourself. You can tell you do well on your own just by the way you dress.  When you speak, you might immediately make a man wonder if you might be smarter than he is. Your sense of humor is on point, but that only means we have to stay on our toes so the next guy doesn’t come to try to swoop in on you. To a normal guy, you are WORK.

We know that with a woman like yourself we would be held to a different standard, and that’s when the ordinary guy will start to question whether a woman like you is worth it. I mean, sure you’re beautiful and an incredible asset,  the kids a man might have with a woman like yourself would probably come out magical, and with you he could probably reach a potential he never even dreamed of, but you’re WORK.

It takes a man that is at a point in his life where he welcomes that challenge to better his life in that way. But its a different kind of better. It’s almost like leaving that easy job for the one that’s going to let you retire on an island, it might pay off, but you’re gonna work your ass off before you get there.”

So the ever alluding answer gets closer to me in understanding this age group of men. I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter what you look like, how intelligent you are, how well you can cook or keep house, or what a great lover or companion you can be. We are working against the grain from the get-go.

After sleeping on this conversation, I realized there is only one solution.

A WOMAN HAS TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY ON HER OWN AND FOR HERSELF. Her focus has to come away form the emotion-inducing men in her life, and she has to start concentrating on the quality of her own journey.

Insofar as the woman currently suffering because of the inability to commit of her man? She has to stop making excuses for that man she wants by her side, and she has got to turn the tables around and realize it is the MAN that is too much work.

She should stop the hoop-jumping IMMEDIATELY, stop the ultimatums, and send him to go f*ck off.  She should simply not waste her time with a male that is not up for her challenge,and she should turn around and find herself a better man than that, one truly worthy of being adored because he is ready, willing and MORE THAN ABLE.

And stronger pheromones. I’m going to start adding stronger pheromones to my products. 🙂

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