Archive for the ‘ RELATIONSHIPS ’ Category


At the end of your S.P.A.C.E. -- EMBRACE! Look at the picture closely. There is actually a man underneath receiving a big and unexpected SMOOCH!

I’ve been posting the 100 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A LASTING RELATIONSHIP.  The single most important ingredient in every relationship is number 2 on that list (Not to give away number 1 yet, but number 1 has to do with how you love your mate).

Most of you would never guess it.  It is usually not present in people’s minds when one talks about a happy relationship– but let me tell you, EVERY SINGLE HAPPY RELATIONSHIP HAS IT.

What is it? Most people would think it’s love, sexual attraction, common goals or ideals, companionship.  It’s none of these.  Rule Number 2 to keep a lasting relationship has to do with what most people actually think should NOT be in a relationship– curious yet?

S.P.A.C.E. — Yes, space!  Maintaining individual identity and independence is the key to a well balanced and happy partnership.

When couples enter into a relationship, it is important to make room for space and privacy – privacy to include time to be spent together as well as time to be spent apart individually.

Being a couple does not mean being with each other all day every day… if you think that it is you are headed straight for a break-up at some point. Now, I am a firm believer that when you choose your life partner, you should share your lives in every way, never leaving one or the other behind.  However, every person requires a time to be with their respective friends and families, time to pursue their dreams and ambitions, time to participate in

their hobbies and interests… this is what made your partner fall in love with you to begin with, remember?

Here is the breakdown on how to maintain healthy space in a  relationship:

SSpend some time apart.  Most of us are able to accomplish this by working and going to our perspective jobs.  Being apart for a few hours a day ingratiates us to the time we will finally be spending together at the end of our long day.

PParticipate in hobbies or goals that define us as an individual in our relationship. Never lose your identity to your relationship or to your partner, you become boring that way– and no relationship survives on boring.

AAccept your partners need for some alone time too.  The fact that he/she may want to be with friends or workout or read should not make you feel insecure.  It is important for your partner to take care of himself in order to take care of you properly.

CConsider your partner’s feelings when tending to your needs.  If your partner requires attention because they feel down or there is something that he/she would like to do, this is NOT a good time for individual space.  This IS a partnership, and although space is important, your partner comes first.

EEmbrace your partner right after you’ve had your space. It’s a full circle, you need to show your partner how grateful you are to have him in your life, and how your space away from him served to make you love him more.  So, after you have had your loving time for yourself, surprise him with a big smooch!

Love is a recipe with many ingredients.  Space is very important, but it is only one of  many to be able to form practical happiness.  Love comes in all shapes and sizes–so just like everything else in a relationship, you have to pick and choose how much of an ingredient your love recipe requires.

In order to find out how much space is actually needed, start small. Take a little time for yourself today, remember who you are and what you need. Basically, if you find happiness within your day by doing so, odds are you will associate this happiness with the partner that allows you to have it. Then EMBRACE him!
-Your friend and Muse, Bella Bardot

How To Keep Those Wandering Eyes– On YOU!

Ever been in the position where your mate stares at a beautiful woman (or handsome man) while in your presence?  It’s happened to the best of us—if not all of us.

This has nothing to do with your mate being insensitive, or not loving you enough.  Simply stated, we are human, and we have a tendency to follow our instinct, sometimes to our own detriment.

I promised my readers the secret to keep your mate from ogling another in your presence.  It basically boils down to one simple concept: People in happy relationships are secure–period.

No matter how many questions I am asked regarding relationships, this always seems to be the key.  Security in a relationship only exists if a person is secure with him or herself.  When a person feels secure in their relationship, everyone else, no matter how beautiful or eye-catching, becomes secondary. Therefore, the temptation to have their interest piqued by someone else will lose its grip.

Men can’t resist a charming, funny, “un-clingy” mate who is in control of herself, the same goes for a woman who recognizes this in her man.  The next time you are with your man and a beautiful woman comes in a room, try pointing her out, for instance.  Let him know you also recognize beauty and are not threatened by it. This simple strategy has a double effect:

1) It allows the mate to look at the person without the discomfort and the guilt, and

2) It puts one in a position of superiority in the situation—taking the reigns back from the person being looked at and giving them back to you.

Genius, right?

Now let me spell this out… this does not mean you have to point out every single beautiful woman in the room—you know which ones you can’t ignore.  The same ones he can’t ignore.  So use the strategy wisely!

Soon enough, your mate will eventually learn by transference that although there might be someone with a bigger bosom or more muscles, YOU are the better package!


— Your Friend and Muse, Bella Bardot

El Antebrazo– La Manera De Llegarle Al Corazon?

Mamá me dio esta regla en la parte superior de la lista de “Las 100 Regalas Para Mantener Una Relación Duradera”. Yo no me di cuenta hasta más tarde que el motivo porque esta regla estaba en la parte superior de la lista, era porque también es la mejor manera de coquetear, y obtener y mantener la atención del ser deseado

La Regla número 22 es: Toque el antebrazo de tu pareja cuando hable con él o ella. Ahora, esto no tiene que suceder en todas las conversaciones, pero cuanto más lo hace uno , como un gesto natural en una conversación, más le llega uno adentro del  corazón del ser amado.

En realidad hay un par de factores científico detrás de este gesto. La primera es que la parte inferior del antebrazo es lisa y altamente sensible debido a la capa de piel delgada. La segunda es que la parte superior del antebrazo es también extremadamente sensible, debido a los folículos del pelo que están  llenos de nervios. El antebrazo, por lo tanto, es tan perceptivo a la sensación, que es una de las rutas más fáciles así a las emociones de una persona. Recuerde esto: tocar el antebrazo es tocar el corazón.

Pruebe usted esto la próxima vez que usted se ve  involucrado en una conversación con el sexo opuesto – toque el antebrazo (ya sea superior o inferior), mientras que usted está hablando, y solamente por un momento. Usted debe notar que el contacto visual directo se estimula entre usted y la persona que está sosteniendo la conversación.

En una relación, o en un matrimonio, la comunicación es la clave para su estabilidad. Tenemos que asegurarnos de que nuestro compañero entienda que estamos “presente” en la conversación que estamos manteniendo con el/ella. La forma más sencilla para reforzar esto es tocar el antebrazo mientras hablamos con ellos, especialmente si le estamos pidiendo algo.

¿Por qué es importante tocar el antebrazo, cuando se le solicita algo a nuestra pareja? El toque del antebrazo se conoce como un toque para la conformidad debido a que este gesto intenta dirigir la conducta de esa persona, y muy a menudo, también  influye en sus actitudes o sentimientos.

(En un estudio realizado por Willis y Hamm (1980), los participantes se les pidió que firmaran una petición. Mientras que el 55% de los que no se les tocaba el antebrazo se ponían de acuerdo en firmar,  un 81% de los participantes tocados en el antebrazo firmaron la misma petición. En un segundo estudio la gente fueron pedida que rellenaran un cuestionario. Los que no se tocaron en el antebrazo y la llenaron fue un total del 40%;  sin embargo, los que se tocaron en el antebrazo cuando se les pidió que la rellenaran resulto en el 70% decir que si.)

Así que hay algo de sustancia a la regla número 22. Personalmente, desde que me introdujo esta regla mi Madre,  inconscientemente la he utilizó en todos los aspectos de la vida, y no puede dejar de pensar que he tenido muchas más puertas abiertas para mí por motivo de  él. Por lo tanto,  prueben este consejo amigos y amigas, creo que será una grata sorpresa para ustedes ver los resultados!

– Se despide el día de hoy,  su Musa y Servidora, Bella Bardot


Mom gave me this rule towards the the top of the list– Rule Number 22 (out of 100) To Keep A Lasting Relationship. I didn’t figure out until later that it was towards the top because it is also the best way to flirt , and grab and keep your desired ones attention.

Rule Number 22 is :  Touch Your Mate’s Forearm When You Speak To Him/Her.   Now, this doesn’t have to happen in every conversation, but the more you do it, as a natural gesture in a conversation, the more you carve your way inside their heart.

There are actually a couple of physical (or scientific) factors behind this move.  The first is that the smooth underside in a forearm is highly sensitive due to the thinner skin layer. The second is the top of  forearm is also extra- sensitive due to the nerve-filled hair follicles.  The forearm, therefore, is so highly perceptive to sensation that it is one of the easier routes to a person’s emotions. Remember this: touch the forearm, touch the heart.

Try this the next time that you are involved in a conversation with the opposite sex-– touch the forearm (either upper or lower) while you are speaking, and for just a moment.  you should notice that direct eye contact becomes keener between you and the person you are holding the conversation with.

In a relationship, or in a marriage, communication is the key to its survival.  We need to make sure that our mate understands that we are “present” in the conversation that we are holding with them. The easiest way to reinforce this is by touching their forearm while speaking to them, especially if on is asking for something.

Why is it important to touch the forearm when requesting something form our mate?  the forearm touch is known as a touch for compliance because it attempts to direct  the behavior that person, and often, also to influence  their attitudes or feelings.

(In a study by Willis and Hamm (1980), participants were asked to sign a petition. While 55% of those not touched agreed to sign it, this went up to 81% of those participants touched once on the forearm. A second study asked people to fill in a questionnaire. The same touch increased compliance from 40% to 70%.)

So there’s something of substance to Rule Number 22.  Personally, since being told of the rule I have subconsciously used it in all areas of life, and can’t help to think that I have had a lot more doors open to me because of it.  So try it friends, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

-Your Friend and Muse, Bella Bardot

Making Love With Intention…

Rule Number 78 To Keep A Lasting Relationship (And A Happy One At That!)

This is one of my favorites, and one that you are not likely to forget too easily. I tried to find where this rule originated, but the more I searched, the more I realized it may have originated in one of those “forbidden” places in some of the most romantic places on earth– like Paris, France,  or anywhere in Italy.

But let’s get to the good stuff.  Making love can become a laborious routine which may be  little- enjoyed when one has spent a certain amount of years in a monogamous relationship. The reason for this tragedy, I think,  has to do with the reality that we have lost the “tastefulness” of the act, and that we have forgotten what the act itself represents.

Making love should be romantic, memorable.  It must be able to touch your heart and emotions–for both women and men. When we lose the “intention” of romance, you start to lose the desire, and after you have lost the desire, other things become lost, little by little.

Rule Number 78 says that one should always make love with intention by taking care of ones “natural body juices” in order  to attract and keep your loved one… AND THIS RULE IS FOR BOTH WOMEN AND MEN!

The rule says that women should drink an herbal tea (tisane)  made with a mixture  of orange blossom, rose water and mint at least once a week. The man must remember to drink pineapple juice.  According to legend, these teas or drinks, when taken at least weekly, maintain a fresh level of  “sweetened love juices”  and puts us in a very pleasant disposition, so the couple can fully enjoy the act of making love.

When I did my research, I found that even  my great-grandmother knew about the love tea. It turns out, that some of the finest ladies from the turn of the century came to know about sweetening the “love juices” before  getting married. What is TRULY sad, is that in this age that we live in, where sex and the talk of it is EVERYWHERE, we have lost this type of bejeweled advice for couples. It’s time to reclaim sex for what it should be– for LOVE and ROMANCE!
If we want to eat well, we learn to cook. If we want to catch the best fish,  we buy the best rods, reels and bait. To excel at any sport, we train. So why not also put the same effort to the act of making love? An act that is not only necessary to maintain a stable relationship, but when we celebrate it, it  keeps us happy.
So there it is,  Rule Number 78:  Making Love With Intention–by preparing for the event with a “love potion” very easy to make and implement. Drink away, friends, and keep those sweet “love juices”, well…flowing!

Your Friend and Muse, Bella Bardot

* Please always consult a doctor before using any herbal tea, especially if you are pregnant or might not be aware of certain allergies. These tips should not replace the advice of your physician or medical professional.


There are certain products in the market right now that are claiming to enhance female sexual arousal and the pleasure a woman experiences during intercourse. They claim to boost a woman’s desire and add pleasure to her partner’s experience. The first time I saw a commercial I thought “wow—that could be a wonder tool…”

After fifteen years of marriage and four children later—you start to reach the bottom of the treasure chest, you know what I mean? So all kinds of thoughts started going through my head about the product.  “What is it like?”  “Does it feel funny?” “Does it sting?”  “Does it taste good?” (Yes…“DOES IT TASTE GOOD?”).

Science never fails to bewilder me, and I thought for the first time, maybe someone had come to knock over what had been taught from female to female in the generations in my family about secret weapons to help with female arousal.

I often refer to Old Mother in most of my blogs.  For those of you who follow me, you know that Old Mother is my great-great grandmother and one of the lady’s in my family that helped carry down wonderful herbal, spice and floral recipes that we use in our everyday life.

(see Picture of Old Mother below)

I can imagine what you’re thinking. And yes, this lady would actually sit fanning herself as she rocked on our front porch in Cuba—talking to my mother and my grandmother about female arousal.  These old ladies had sex in their hey day,  and they liked it—where did you think they got so many grandchildren from—a cabbage patch?


Before I go on to tell you one of Old Mother’s secrets that was handed down to her to help with female arousal, I am going to talk further about some of the arousal products on the market today.

Used by women around the world to battle the sexual side effects from menopause, birth control, sexual dysfunction, or maybe just the actual side effect of monogamy– the arousal products on the market today may seem like an answer—even a blessing—for some.  But what are they?  What the heck makes them work?

My curiosity led me on a quest to find these answers, to see if they could actually top what I had been using for years–my secret, “little weapon” that brings down my 6 foot tall husband to his knees…literally. (teehee) I will let you know about my secret weapon in a bit.

First, here’s what I found out about the current arousal products on the market:


What they do:

  • Create a rush of pleasure and increased  sensitivity
  • Helps reach the peak of sexual pleasure more quickly
  • Increases the intensity of satisfaction

How they work:

  • Massage a small amount directly to the intimate area
  • Some of the products claim to be all natural ingredients, heightening arousal and sensitivity– some list their main ingredients as being propylene glycol and niacin, which they claim are what helps the female reach arousal

Extra Incentives:

  • Might come in different “flavors”
  • Most are reported to  give you a “tingly” or “warming” sensation

It is important for women to keep in mind that the area of the body that these products are intended for is highly absorptive, and that these ingredients will be very quickly circulated through the body.

Keeping that in mind, I want you to know that propylene glycol can be found in anti freeze.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anything having to do with anti freeze anywhere near my Netherlands.

Niacin, too, has its sour points—as it has been associated with birth defects in laboratory animals, with possible consequences for infant development in pregnant women. Although to be fair, according to the study that raised this claim, I must include that this has been found only in doses used to lower cholesterol when taking niacin internally.

The arousal products that claim to be natural on the market today have a myriad of ingredients on an oil base (which acts as a natural lubricant). Its side effects will generally be isolated to skin irritation and allergic reaction. Some women have complained of a burning sensation instead of the intended tingling. Other women have experienced some itching and swelling of the genitals after use. Though most complaints are minor, they still can be fairly uncomfortable and bothersome.

Nevertheless, all the products, whether natural or scientifically engineered, have to be applied topically. A woman massages the oil onto her genitals to get results. Typically, she will experience a tingling sensation to the area. While most women “feel” it working (mostly due to sensory sensation), it’s still uncertain whether it’s the oil, or the process of application (which is essentially the rubbing of the clitoris) that makes them seem to work. I’m all for anything that will invite myself or my husband into the foreplay arena, so I like this already—whether or not it works–but, with a cost range from $27 to $90 per bottle or pack—some might find it to be another reason to use the old “headache” excuse.

Now, let’s talk about the secret “little weapon” recipe that has been handed down in my family for years.  Its simple, it’s inexpensive, you can get it anywhere, and it tastes good.  As a matter of fact, most of us eat it everyday already– from our coffee to our cakes—at one time or another, most of us have it—CINNAMON.

One of the oldest spices known to mankind, cinnamon is a natural female stimulant.  For centuries, it has been known to incite passion and arousal in women.  Studies have also shown that the smell of cinnamon arouses sexual desire in the male.

So how do you use it? SPARINGLY.  The trick to cinnamon on the female area is to use a dab—just enough to get the juices flowing, so to speak.  Cinnamon can be highly irritating to the skin and to the mucous membranes if you use too much, so try it out, a little at a time.  Make a game of it (that’s what we do).  It’s supposed to tingle a little—if it starts to burn a little, that’s ok too (if you’re the type to actually like a little spanking in the boudoir, you might like this– A LOT).  Of course, if you’re allergic to cinnamon it’s best to stay away from this recipe altogether.

If you feel you need a bit more stimulation—mix the cinnamon with honey (which can boost the levels of nitric oxide/nitrite in the bloodstream and can cause engorgement of the clitoris in a woman.)  Again, use just a bit, you want gliding action, not a penis trap.

So the next time you are in the mood for a little “arousal” of your spirit and female body parts, go for the spice rack before you head off to your local pharmacy.



I get a lot of questions and requests emailed to me by my friends. Among the many things that  I find myself answering over and over again through the years is this little question about the opposite sex – “Bella, how I can tame my husband or my boyfriend so he could be more into me?”

My friends know I’m happily married to a man that has a very strong character; whose chosen  profession keeps him on high alert and working at a level of stress that can affect his family relationships easily. However, he’s content in the nest I’ve created for us, and although he’s commanding at work– at home, he is happy to give me my ‘crown’. At the same time, he praises me and shows me affection and unconditional love – how have I accomplished this?

The first rule is one you are not going to like, ladies. The main rule to tame your man is to accept him for who is right now. This means no nagging, no scolding, no looks that could kill. Accept your man as he is – with all its flaws that bother you. It is the only way you can level the playing field and be able to take this relationship where you want to go. If the man feels that he is always criticized, he will start seeing you as an enemy, and as someone that he can not trust. Conversely, if he thinks that you accept him for who he is and that you love him unconditionally, he is more open to receiving your advice—thereby creating an open doorway that you can potentially go through in order to get what you want.

The second rule: Appreciate the things he does now. Doesn’t send flowers? (but he’s a good father) Does not whisper sweet things in your ear? (but never misses dinner time at home with you) Becomes impossible when the “game” is on? (but has no vices). Find the good things that you like about him and wouldn’t want to see change. Start to praise him for these virtues BIG TIME! This will not only help you remember the good things in your relationship, but it will help him feel like a better man, one that is appreciated by you.  Studies have shown that the biggest reason a man is unfaithful is because he doesn’t feel appreciated—so praising him for the good things he does now will only perpetuate happiness in the relationship.

The third rule: Transference. This rule is really just rule number two—taken the distance. Start telling your beloved just how important he is to you. Explain that when you’re away at work, all that you can do is think about how your favorite place to be is right next to him, just watching TV.  Tell him how you can’t wait to be next to him because that’s your safe zone, and there is nothing better than when the two of you are together (he might look at you as if you’re crazy at first, but trust me, THIS WORKS!) Tell him he’s your best friend – that no one in the world could take his place. Pour it on. THICK.

The fourth rule: Pat him on the head. Did you know patting someone on the head gives you the position of power? (Like our parents patted us when we were children – or as you would pat a puppy’s head) The next time you’re cuddling, pat him on the head in a loving way, mixing it with gentle strokes. Your mate will subliminally interpret this as you having the power position. The man needs to feel pampered and protected – and when intimately caressed this way, he will transfer his trust to you over his body and being.

The final rule: Ask him for things in a low voice. Men hate the loud pitch a woman can make when she’s angry or in a hurry—it makes them feel belittled, and they tend to run from a woman like that – and many times they run straight into the arms of someone else. So from now on, ask him things quietly.  You can make it sexy or you can make it girlish. Try to hug him or caress him when you are asking for what you want in this low tone—and you’re sure to succeed. The reasoning behind this is that men can argue with logic all day long, but they fall short on how to argue with feelings, so if you’re making him feel good, he will argue less about giving you what you want.

Lastly, as the daughter of my mother, if the above does not work as fast as you would like, as the Queen of Salsa,Celia Cruz, once sang – “mix a brew of lemon, mint and brown sugar without shame”… but those tips, ladies, are for another article altogether! (hehe)


If you’re in a relationship with an abusive partner or if your partner has a problem with alcohol or addiction – these tips are not for you. If you are in a relationship with these types of issues, please seek appropriate professional help.  These are not your problems to fix alone, because there is nothing that you’re doing wrong to begin with!


I’ve been fat. I’ve been skinny.  I’ve been blonde.  I’ve been brunette.  And everything in between.


Through all the ups and downs, the lows and the highs, there has been one true thing throughout– the passion in my love life.   Many women hold the misconception that you have to look a certain way to be happy in a relationship, and have a fulfilling sex life– I am living proof that such an idea is false.

As time goes by, you add those fine lines and things that start going south– and you quickly want to start becoming friends with the local plastic surgeon– and although I hold nothing against procedures if they help you with your self confidence, I have seen a lot of friends lose their “natural” beauty to the knife.

I received a great deal of mail this week that  focused one way or another on questions regarding feeling sexy in the bedroom– when you might not feel so sexy in the mirror. It seems that there are a bunch  of you that are giving up being intimate with your mate because of your lack of confidence. BIG MISTAKE!


Some women (especially those that are in the media limelight) have focused their energy on staying fit and healthy– and pumping out 3-4 hour Pilate sessions a day, while eating a mountain of grass to keep them thin.  If that’s you– I am jealous!  With four kids and about 400 jobs, I don’t have the time nor the inclination to go the “spinning class”  — my spinning gets done at home running after my four year old, and my nutrition sometimes revolves around chicken nuggets and rice crispies.  It’s not great– but its REALITY!

So how have I maintained a spark in the bedroom through the doom and the gloom times?  Here are the 5 secrets that have helped me maintain my self confidence:


1.  The Right Scent.  Mom taught me this decades ago– men perceive a woman’s weight to be up to 12 pounds lighter when she wears a floral-spice fragrance. When a woman wears a citrus and spice scent, studies show she feels more sensual, so the perfume may affect her behavior and thus indirectly increase her attractiveness.  And there has been some good news reporting claims that the smell of cinnamon can boost male erection.  I have used all of the above to my benefit, and maintain them in my daily routine.


2. The White T-Shirt. Men are visual creatures. Here’s a new way to catch his eye that I discovered: Toss on a t shirt and slip into the shower with him (spring break style)– what it boils down to: security for you– wet t-shirt fantasy for him.


3. STOP RUSHING! Take the time to lovingly enjoy each others body (in case you haven’t noticed– odds are he’s been aging right along with you and might be having some body issues of his own.) Exchange sexy compliments, you will feel more connected to him and as a result, more secure in yourself.


4. Candles.  Mood lighting goes a long way– not only is candlelight flattering– you can train your brain (and his) to see them as a signal that its time to have fun.  Studies show that conditioned arousal helps override self-confidence.


5. Love Your Period.  Yes– your period.  Not only is it a fact that you feel “thinner” right after your period, but a rise in testosterone during this part of your cycle increases your desire to initiate sex, and a spike in estrogen can make you feel more confident (sexually).  Use this time to your benefit and keep active with your guy– it will keep you from falling into a rut.


A woman has the right to reinvent herself– or not.  Whatever shape you are, whatever “gift wrapping” you were delivered in, makes absolutely no difference to the treasure that’s inside you.  And ladies, make no mistake about it, it’s that little “treasure” that he’s most interested in, so stop keeping it to yourselves! Give it up to your guy– you’d be surprised how these little steps will help you break out of your shell!




Ask Bella– Well… ANYTHING!

So many of you have been following me on Facebook, Twitter or through my website at; emailing me important questions on finding ones inner goddess and balancing work, love life, children and happiness– that I have decided to compile my letters to you in this blog.

I’ve been blessed with a caustic tongue and an irreverent wit– I don’t mind telling my friends EXACTLY what I feel about relationships– and how I see the male/female dynamic.

Having lived quiet a bit, and coming from a family of wives who started all the old wives tales, I love to pass along the knowledge I have collected through the years.
So here’s my blog– ask Bella Bardot anything….

P.S.  Just like in my real life, I live in Spanglish– speaking my mind in both English and Spanish!


Muchos de ustedes me han estado siguiendo en Facebook, Twitter o a través de mi sitio web en;  enviandome  correos electrónicos con  preguntas importantes sobre  la búsqueda de nuestra “diosa” interior y  como encontrar el elequilibrio entre el trabajo, la vida amorosa, los niños y la felicidad.  He decidido entonces recopilar mis cartas a ustedes en este blog.

Después de haber sido bendecida con una lengua cáustica y un sentido de humor irreverente – No me importa decirle a mis amigos exactamente lo que siento acerca de las relaciones – y como yo veo la dinámica entre los hombres y las  mujeres.

Después de haber vivido un poco , y de venir de una familia de mujeres que comenzaron todos los cuentos de adas, me encanta pasar  los conocimientos que he recogido a través de los años.
Así que aquí está mi blog – preguntale a Bella Bardot…. lo que quieras!