Archive for the ‘ RELATIONSHIPS ’ Category

They Are Perfect, But… by Bella Bardot                   


     

I have gotten a couple of emails lately from friends who are dating people who are “perfect”-but they have one flaw that is preventing them from taking the next step, so I have decided to address the issue in this blog hoping to help with my personal experiences.

Back during my college days I started dating a man who was amazing. Great career, financially stable, intelligent, caring, protective, quite the gentleman.

One day, as we were watching television while laying on the couch, I found myself holding him from his back. As I started giving peck kisses to his beautifully toned back he turned around to give me a kiss and right there, like a record that comes to a rude scratch, I pulled away.

The man I was dating was perfect– but I couldn’t get past the shape of his nose. I remember excusing myself and getting out of there quickly. I had been dating him for a couple of months but this was the last time I wanted to be near his advances. because at that instance, I realized I would never get past the nose. I know, soooooooo shallow of me, right?

I pride myself in being a person that is accepting and kind. I have raised my children to love all across the board, this is very important to me. So how can I have it inside of me to measure someone else’s appearance that way?

I couldn’t understand it for a while. It took a lot of years of being in a strong and happy relationship to figure out why something so superficial had been a part me me.

You see, it wasn’t that I was superficial- it’s that I wasn’t “hot” for him. Yes, the shape of his nose had a lot to do with it- it was a turn off for me- for my personal taste. But it was enough to turn me cold. So no matter how proud I was to hang around him because he was extraordinary, behind closed doors I wasn’t happy.

Through the years I have realized that relationships take work, and during the “down” times, it is almost necessary to maintain a level of “hot for you”.

When you are sexually attracted to your partner, you are able to maintain a kind of lightness in your relationship. There is always a newness and a discoverability that maintains the partnership together.

This doesnt mean that people are sexually attractive to only people with perfect features- it just means that people are attracted to what they are attracted to- and that hardly changes.

Whether it’s a physical trait, an emotional factor, a financial perspective, or a moral one- if there’s something that actually turns you “off”, it will probably only get bigger. I’m not talking about those things that can be worked through- I’m talking about something you can’t put your finger on that just stops you from sexually craving the person.

I have seen couples come to an end at several stages in their marriages/long term relationships. It seems that for one reason or another, the cause of the breakup had always existed, and has been there from Day One. So watch for this.

People lie to themselves and short themselves by settling with relationships that are less than their dream, because they are afraid of getting too old, or never finding “the one”, or because of societal pressures.

The truth is, by settling, we assure ourselves future sadness. Seriously, who wants that?

What makes you hot about someone doesn’t necessarily turn the next guy on. That’s why they say there’s always someone perfect for somebody. I know for a fact that man I dated found his true love.

So to the friends that have taken the time to write to me to ask whether they should stay in these relationships my answer is quick and simple. Move on. NOW.

It’s better to cut now and go through a bit of pain than to accumulate years of dissatisfaction. We only live once- allow yourself to find YOUR total-package. Don’t worry about the rest, it will fall into place.

Marry someone you are hot for. Sometimes, it will be the only thing that will carry you through some of the difficult times. And I promise you, during the great times, being with someone you’re hot for makes you feel like you own the world!

The Importance Of Having Someone “Earn” You by Bella Bardot

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I have been guilty of idolizing certain people. Because of my many life experiences and my high comfort level in dealing with other human beings and multiple personalities, I have a pretty strong sense of perception. Many times, I sense qualities in people before they even demonstrate them straight out to me- so it’s easy for me to engross myself in severely liking a person before they even earn it.

The problem is that when a person is placed in a position where they don’t have to”earn” your love and loyalty, they can take your person for granted rather easily, and the “bubble of illusion” that you created inevitably pops- and it pops LOUDLY.

It is essential in the beginning of any type of relationship- work/friendship/love – that you take your time in allowing the other to “earn” your person. By this I mean to make sure to allow sufficient quality time to pass before you skip to the conclusion that this is someone you want in your corner. Be vigilant.

No relationship that starts with lack of quality time and work put in equally by both parties will stand the test of time. All relationships are based on compromise  and a healthy dose of generosity on both parts- and if one of you keeps making excuses for the other because in your heart you just “know” they mean well, you are only hurting yourself.

I have recently committed to a new strategy of weeding out whether or not I want to expend energy on a person, and it has worked well not only in decyphering between new people that I meet, but it has also highlighted the inequalities in my current relationships with others, and has led me to cut them off in a very necessary way to balance out the field. I simply don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t as generous towards me the way that I am towards them.

The strategy involves writing down the  qualities that make a person either generous or selfish. I take a piece of paper and divide it with the categories  “GENEROUS” and “SELFISH”. Underneath each, I write the appropriate examples when the person has reacted a certain way that fits under each category.

When you force yourself to write these down, it makes it more difficult to dismiss or overlook the issues that you might overlook should you only be thinking about it. When you see things in black and white it makes things a lot more clear. No excuses.

If at any moment the “Selfish” category starts to dominate, it’s time to cut your involvement. Even if it’s even with the “Generous” category- you should still proceed with caution.

Try not to be fooled by those people that have the gift of gab- just because they can talk their way through something does not mean they are being honest. Usually grabbers are entertainers, and they know how to mimic the desires of the  person they are dealing with versus engaging them with honest conversation about their own expectations.

Make the people in your life accountable. Allow yourself then the freedom to know that you are surrounded only with those that truly have your best interest at heart, as you do theirs. This enables you to become truly productive and happy in your environment. Everything else is just plain unecessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Sexual Incompatibility is a Relationship Deal-Breaker!

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Humor and a compatible moral-gage  are essential in building a lasting relationship, however, sex is the mortar that holds all the bricks together.

When the inevitable routine and daily grind kick in, if sexual chemistry isn’t there to keep one entertained, the relationship is doomed to fail. No matter how much you respect and value the person you’ve chosen, if you aren’t “hot” for them from the beginning, you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Sex can keep you stable when all else is failing because  it’s what the two of you share that makes it intimate and just between both of you. It’s your glue.

There are some people you will meet that are perfect “on paper” and with whom you can have good friendships with, but almost immediately you feel the sexual chemistry is just unexplainably “off”.

It could be a physical attribute that bothers you (usually this is what bad chemistry is linked to since everything starts with the visual). It may be a large hooked nose or  ugly feet- something that would have been a deal-breaker for you should they not have been so otherwise “perfect”.

Long-lasting relationships usually have explosive chemistry almost immediately.  Eventually, whatever bothers you about a person initially, will not only remain, but it will grow in the shadows of the compromise that you silently made, and you will eventually take it out in your mate because unbeknownst  to them, you subconsciously “shorted” yourself.

Dating someone with whom the sex is “only mediocre” is asking for a heartbreak. It’s better to be alone and ready for your one true love than let your one true love pass you by because you settled for the wrong choice. Take your time. Don’t settle. Life is meant to be enjoyed!

 

 

 

Why We Are Attracted To The Wrong People by Bella Bardot

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We’ve all felt disappointed or hurt by a relationship in the past, and we tend to carry the memory of this wound into our current search for a relationship.If a wound from the past is still active within you, you will be attracted to people who “remind” you of that wound.

For example, have you ever seen someone start a relationship with a girl that looked EXACTLY like the ex girlfriend who betrayed him? Or that shared her same character traits?

It is believed that your subconscious is programmed to attract people who activate your wounds as a way of working out an old, unresolved, or very painful issue.

According to relationship research, we all have a “wounded self” and a “spiritual self”.The wounded self is the part that feels incomplete and flawed, so it is constantly (and erroneously) in search of a person to fit that empty space left as a result of the wound.

It will look for people who resemble the cause of the pain (although we will try to lie to ourselves by saying that we have a ” certain type”). The truth is we are not fooling those around us, just ourselves.Looking for love from this part of the self, we will do everything to obtain the closest measurement of that initial wound, physically, emotionally, and in character traits.

The problem is, from the onset, your wounded self is trying to “make things right”, so you will never be working from a point in the relationship where everything is new to both of you. Unknowingly to your new love interest, you’ve been there before, and this time around you are going to get it right in front of others (it is your ego taking control).

Old and pent up issues will eventually prevail, and what initially attracted you will start to feel like you have sold yourself short. By getting into this relationship you were answering to a your smaller self directed by the ego to find validation and completion.

The wounded self believes once it replaces with “similar” it will be happy. But happiness will remain elusive, because you didn’t fall in love from your higher, spiritual self. You will always feel like something is missing with the new person, and it will in one way or another, always feel incomplete.

When you follow your “spiritual self”, the self that knows how valuable you truly are, and what you are truly capable of obtaining, you will find yourself attracting people of unsurmountable worth to your side.

These people are usually very desired, both physically, mentally and spiritually by others because their qualities are so distinguished. They will complete you in such a way that together you seem unstoppable, which is the feeling that we get around “power couples”.

Your higher self will allow itself to recognize that you deserve such a person to reflect you in your relationship, and your life usually takes off like a rocket in all aspects, with much approving friends and a happy and content heart.

By identifying with your higher “spiritual self” you will most certainly find the perfect love for you.Your spiritual self knows what to look for, it’s your wounded self that won’t let you take a step in that direction.

Take a good look at who is attracting you right now. You may notice that you are looking at people that look to be at polar ends.Be very careful when leaning towards the side that everyone around you (but you) recognizes is the side trying to repair a wrong by picking characteristics and physical traits that resemble your old wound!

The other end of the spectrum might find you fighting with your own heart, and finding a million excuses on why they don’t fit your description of “perfect”.  However, if this person seems highly desirable and valuable to most, and your friends scratch their heads wondering what you’re waiting for, it’s probably your “wounded self”keeping you from happiness.

If the other end of the spectrum makes you feel warm and fuzzy, but a little scared,you might want to push yourself in that direction. Get out if your own way, and kick your wounded self to the curb. Happiness awaits!

-XO, Bella Continue reading

Men Love Women They Are Attracted To, Women Are Attracted To the Men They Love by Bella Bardot

DET 2012 Fisher Beauty and the Beast Belle and Beast__photo_by_joan_marcusLast night I saw a couple that seemed totally altogether too different to be a couple. She was outgoing, vivacious, and quite a looker. The man, on the other hand, seemed cold, disconnected, serene, and although not entirely unattractive, his personality made him look older than he probably really is.

So I started thinking, what makes us choose some people to fall in love with , and not others?

I have written a great deal on physical chemistry and attraction. There are definite rules that we can follow to attract more people and character traits that we can implement  to open up more possibilities of romance. But in the end, lasting relationships are based on much more than initial attraction.

Many psychologists believe that the experience of romantic love involves two basic patterns. One deals with attractiveness, or the attraction to the external appearance, and the second deals with appraisal, the recognition of positive personal characteristics (cleanliness, culture, financial independence, care-giving ability, parent material– these all fall into this category). Falling and staying in love then requires the presence of both patterns.

It makes sense then that most people try to find a happy balance within these two patterns. The more attractive you are, the more you will wish that people love you for your appraisal characteristics– the less attractive you are, the more you want to be admired for your external appearance. Since the attractiveness pattern is associated with change (something “new”, a fresh face or body) and the appraisal pattern is associated with familiarity (what we know, what makes us feel safe because its familiar), most of us try to align our search for mates based on our traditions and upbringing. As we age, and as years pass in monogamous relationships, the “change” associated in the first pattern obviously disappears quickly, whereas the appraisal has room to grow.

It is important then that the relationship bonds quickly in the first years of marriage to allow for the immediate growth of appraisal. However many couples, especially the women in the relationship because of the value they place on appraisal versus attraction, take this too far too fast. Which is why we hear the words so often: “she let herself go”.

If you follow my blog and lifestyle you know how much I am against laying down the weapons in the beauty battle. I have never understood nor do I condone women who all of a sudden stop taking care of the physical, and subjugate the man to equally let go of his appearance after marriage. No wonder men are more and more afraid of getting married, they have heard and seen the horror stories first hand. No matter what age you are, no matter how thin or heavy you are, or what kind of physical attributes you were gifted or not gifted with, we always have the ability to promote our best self,  the fact that we are breeding familiarity for the appraisal category does not mean that this familiarity has to be unattractive!

Psychologists also agree that women and men approach their love quotient differently within these two categories. Men tend to base more on attraction, women tend to base more on appraisal. Therefore, it seems that for a man to love a woman, he must be attracted to her, and for a woman to be attracted to  a man, the possibility to love has to be there.

Starting to make sense?  This basically breaks down the common denominator in every single strange relationship you have ever come across. Attraction for a male does not just lay in the physical appearance– the way she talks, the way she handles herself, her attitude– all of those are qualities in the attraction scale that a man uses and links to triggers from his past. For example, lets use Charlie’s Angels, the 70’s television series.

What made Charlie’s Angels so fantastic was the fact that there was a woman for every taste. You had the sexy blonde (Farrah Fawcett), the intelligent brunette (Kate Jackson), and then the brunette that encompassed the sexiness, the tenderness and the wit (Jaclyn Smith). Most boys that grew up during this era had a fixation with at least one. This fixation might have been carried over into their adult lives, and they now look for blondes or brunettes with the characteristics from these ladies.

The same happens in every other era. People tend to find attractive what they familiarized themselves with growing up. A mother’s smile, the way she cooked, the way a father took care of his daughter, all these are qualities that make their way into our attractiveness category, Appraisal then, is in this way linked to attractiveness, so it becomes easy for couples to meld the two until seemingly the attractiveness category is allowed to disappear.

Romantic love is therefore a balance of both attraction and appraisal. Love is then a subjective experience– meaning that it is a personal and individual one. We cannot fully understand why that beautiful woman is into that man who seems to be a total ogre, or why that extremely handsome man forgoes the goddess and goes for the plain Jane.

It is all a matter of what we are laying down for our own foundation and what we think we are capable of keeping. Perhaps that beautiful woman and gorgeous man don’t think they could keep a very attractive person long in their lives, because they actually suffer from low self esteem, or perhaps the unattractive male has such high self esteem that he believes that only a goddess can accommodate his standards.

The same goes for women who stick by men who have personality issues or vices, or men that seem to always attach themselves to the women who will certainly break their heart, while ignoring the ones who will take care of it the most, because of their preconceived notions.

Now that we know how what we base our love interests on, there is another particular pattern  that doesn’t fit into either of these two that needs recognition. There seems to be a level of knowledge that has a deeper seeding than BOTH the attractiveness or appraisal pattern, and it lies in the heart. It is that one little voice that doesn’t stop talking to you about a certain person. It is that beat that skips, that butterfly that flutters, it is that breath that gets taken away. Some call it fate, others call it soul mates, some call them split-aparts.

Whatever you title it, it is that one Godly and spiritual recognition inside of you that is pointing you in the right direction. You have been preparing for it all your life. All of your experiences (the good and the bad ones) have been meant so that you find it. It is called TRUE LOVE, and when it calls to you, you should most certainly answer, eyes closed.

-Bella

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A BAD-ASS BITCH by Bella Bardot

I was called that this week. A “BAD-ASS BITCH”. I admit, I shrieked with delight. And then fear. What exactly is a Bad-Ass Bitch?

In this age of Generation Y, does that term mean that because my waist is smaller than my butt, someone thinks that I can twerk on command while pointing at a person as I tell them off? I took a quick inventory of the situation and the circumstances around the comment to better decipher its meaning.

We had just left an after-party where band members were gathered for a jam session. Someone within the group we were hanging with suggested we go to a nearby casino to try my luck (I’m notoriously known for being lucky).

Every time I walk into a casino a complete other lady takes over. I was a blackjack baby–taught the game by my daddy  when I was three.

I was going to Vegas and sitting on the sidelines when the Rat Pack was still in town, and I learned to give generous tips, accept comps, and to always play 3rd base in the game to be able control the table.

was a blackjack baby when Vegas was still old school, and when  good moral code meant you weren’t selfish on a play and passed up winning when a bigger fish was at the table and they could stand to lose.

In certain casinos to date, when I go to their high limits sections, they still sweep up whomever I’m there with, and take them to the what is jokingly called the “Wives Club” — a secret  room upstairs away from the tables where the guests are assigned their own butler and can enjoy food, drinks, movies and other entertainment options.

They call it the Wives Club because usually the bigger gamblers tend to still be male, and this is so that he can be left alone in peace to enjoy his game without distraction (and hopefully to give him enough time to stay and lose his money, because the “house” knows one thing all too well– it’s always just a “matter of TIME” before a gambler loses if given enough of it.)  A casino, therefore, is a familiar ocean I navigate myself in rather well.

Once we arrived, I sat down with the majority of the band to talk at the bar.  And I don’t’ know about you, but when you are sitting down with a touring band who have lived most of their lives on the road living a life of excess and bliss, you don’t talk about the fact that last night you stayed up late gluing a saint to a surfboard on a hat because it was hat day at school today and the theme was “Surfing Saints”.

I quickly did a count of the exciting parts of my life way back when, and told them about the time I dated a gangster. I told them about the traveling, the lifestyle,  the excitement, and the fact that at one point he told his guards he was afraid of me because I was crazier than he was (true story).

It didn’t last long, we had different viewpoints in life– so much so I ended up marrying a cop soon after, but it was a story the band could raise an eyebrow to.

One of the guys then started telling the story of a near death experience a couple of weeks before, on the way home from a tour. The car he and his girlfriend were in hit a railing and spun out of control going 70mph. He said he felt lucky to be here. We all exchanged near death experiences. Except for me, I don’t have a near death experience. I have a death experience.

I caught a virus in my heart when I was 17, and after battling for a month at the hospital my organs failed and I succumbed. I flat-lined for 2 minutes 26 seconds (also true story). I kept this part short because I don’t really talk about this– but I did tell them one thing: “we’re all just walking each other home boys”.

It was then that I got up to go play that the lead singer grabbed me and told me , “You’re a bad-ass bitch, you know that?”

As I walked to the single hand deck table I smiled as a streaming flash of all my memories played in my head–

A graduation, learning to walk again, a funeral, a wedding, a birth, a birth, and another birth, three  more funerals, cakes and barbecues and hospital visits with broken arms, sleepless nights watching fevers, and long talks with girlfriends about relationships.

Urban Dictionary defines the term “bad-ass bitch” as:  1. an above-par cool girl. Supportive and loving but also will call you out on things and fight if needed. Sometimes they can be dangerous if you get on their bad side, and usually they dont give a fu#k about things.

I will add to that. A bad-ass bitch is a friend, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister. She’s the woman you know AND the woman you are, and what makes her “bad-ass” is the fact that she has lived through the cards that she has been dealt.

She does not fear failure or rejection because she continuously seeks new opportunities to make things better. This is her strength, and there is not one woman that I know that does not operate this way, no matter what their circumstances are.

I won at the table that night, of course. The next morning I was home making breakfast for my children on 2 hours sleep. Their lunches were made, their clothes were pressed and their tummies were full as I sent them off on their day. On their way out, my oldest daughter turned around and told me that she had gotten an A on that test in the class she is having trouble with.

Of course she did. She’s a bad-ass bitch. 🙂badass

(If Youre A Woman Over 40 and Single, You Are Not Going To Want To Hear This) by Bella Bardot

As a marketer for my business and a writer, I have a personality that is curious and open with pretty much every person I come across.

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a music festival. The headliners are friends of a friend, so we all sat around talking at the after party. Immediately, I realized the incredible opportunity I had to interview the band members for my research. After all, band members are notorious for being “experienced” with the female gender.

Surely enough, as we engaged in conversations with the band, a multitude of women tried to keep interrupting with their flirtation and their feminine wiles. But who are you kidding, I’m Bella Bardot, creator of magical potions based on ancient recipes that work with human pheromones for attraction– needless to say, I had a slight upper hand.

As I made them comfortable with my interrogations, I started working my way into the “QUESTION”. Why are men over 40 so difficult to make settle down, and why are there more and more women having difficulty with this particular age group of men when it comes to dating and relationships?

The answer I got was astounding, and it came so fast out of the gate I had to take a step back and take a breath.

One band member looked at me and said “MEN DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED. Not just men over 40, but NO MAN really wants to get married. We usually do it because its the next logical step in society, or because we have an instinct to procreate, but its an unnatural state. If men were sincere, they would all tell you they would rather stay single, we are just not interested.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard this before, it’s nothing new. It’s what he followed the statement with that made it really sink in as the ULTIMATE truth.

He said, “I know what you’re gonna ask me next– what about love, what about companionship? The truth is we find love in many forms, the love of one female is just not as important to us as the love of a male is for our female counterparts. You guys grew up with the Cinderella stories that practically ingrained in your heads that this is the ultimate goal. Guys are just not like that. We like toys, we like work, we like boy time, we like sex and we like the chase.

I know more married couples that are lonelier than my single male friends. Married couples can’t go outside the constraints that they have set up for themselves in the marriage like a single guy, so their only choice is either talk to their partners or start to withdraw within themselves and their hobbies or work. They live a really lonely life even though they are ‘accompanied’.

A single man can talk to everybody. We can have one lover or we can have many. If we’re bored, we can usually pack up and go somewhere at any time, without ‘permission’ or worry. Financially, we are not burdened the stress of what is ‘expected’ because you’re married. You can buy a house or you don’t have to. And you’re not expected to mow the lawn on Saturdays. It’s great!”

It sounded great. As a matter of fact, he was making such a good argument I was actually considering becoming a single male. Then I turned the questioning  around. I asked him what , if ANYTHING, might make a man like him commit.

“Chemistry” he said. “There might come a time in a man’s life when he come across that one woman that he is hot for in a way he’s never been hot for anyone else. That one female that, although he has tried his hardest to convince himself that she does not fit with him because of this or that flaw, is the female that keeps proving herself worthy to him no matter what. That one female whose baggage starts looking more and more like assets. That’s when we want to put everything else on the back burner and jump in. And we tend to know this right away, although we might take our time in trying to disqualify her.”

Apparently, a qualifying female is a nightmare-come-true for most males. She represents the end of his era as the ultimate free playboy, the ultimate man’s man. She represents a passion and a love that he is not interested in getting to know, because with that comes feelings that men aren’t too keen in exploring all the time. She represents the ultimate ball and chain. But when that one woman comes around, that is the only time they might consider nuptial bliss.

As he was talking to me a young woman (younger than 25), passed by us. He immediately said, “Now see her I could marry today”. He was joking, but I immediately questioned his interest in the young woman.

He looked at me and said, “Let’s take you, for example. As we were playing our set today we all noticed how  men kept asking you to dance, and both the men and the women at the party kept looking every time you walked by. You are a very attractive woman, probably prettier than the girl that just walked by, and 9 out of 10 men might pick you out of the two when it comes to looks.

The reality is, that girl probably isn’t set up yet. She’s got questions about life, she doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things because she doesn’t have the experience. And it’s not that we find that attractive, we find it safe. With her, we don’t have to have all the answers. We’re old enough to know more than she does by default anyway so we are probably going to look like winners with her every time. We don’t have to put much effort, and that’s the draw.

Take a woman like yourself,  on the other hand. You are a woman that one can tell is made up of substance. You seem educated just by the way you carry yourself. You can tell you do well on your own just by the way you dress.  When you speak, you might immediately make a man wonder if you might be smarter than he is. Your sense of humor is on point, but that only means we have to stay on our toes so the next guy doesn’t come to try to swoop in on you. To a normal guy, you are WORK.

We know that with a woman like yourself we would be held to a different standard, and that’s when the ordinary guy will start to question whether a woman like you is worth it. I mean, sure you’re beautiful and an incredible asset,  the kids a man might have with a woman like yourself would probably come out magical, and with you he could probably reach a potential he never even dreamed of, but you’re WORK.

It takes a man that is at a point in his life where he welcomes that challenge to better his life in that way. But its a different kind of better. It’s almost like leaving that easy job for the one that’s going to let you retire on an island, it might pay off, but you’re gonna work your ass off before you get there.”

So the ever alluding answer gets closer to me in understanding this age group of men. I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter what you look like, how intelligent you are, how well you can cook or keep house, or what a great lover or companion you can be. We are working against the grain from the get-go.

After sleeping on this conversation, I realized there is only one solution.

A WOMAN HAS TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY ON HER OWN AND FOR HERSELF. Her focus has to come away form the emotion-inducing men in her life, and she has to start concentrating on the quality of her own journey.

Insofar as the woman currently suffering because of the inability to commit of her man? She has to stop making excuses for that man she wants by her side, and she has got to turn the tables around and realize it is the MAN that is too much work.

She should stop the hoop-jumping IMMEDIATELY, stop the ultimatums, and send him to go f*ck off.  She should simply not waste her time with a male that is not up for her challenge,and she should turn around and find herself a better man than that, one truly worthy of being adored because he is ready, willing and MORE THAN ABLE.

And stronger pheromones. I’m going to start adding stronger pheromones to my products. 🙂

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WHY MEN PULL AWAY AND THE SECRET TO HAVING ANY MAN YOU DESIRE

men-women-understandingOK. I’m going to state what I know goes through a lot of your heads.

Most of you know I own a bodycare line based on ancient recipes (yes, some are love potions) and some of you know of my endeavors on TV and in the media. Some may also be aware of a book that will be coming out soon that I’ve penned about relationships.

But what seems to be on everyone’s mind is HOW.

How I’ve managed to be in a long-standing relationship with a man who has one of the most difficult jobs (translate that into difficult character) and yet be wooed constantly by online male friends and fans with no end in sight, without it affecting neither my  home life nor my business persona as a “modern muse”.

HERE’S THE SCOOP: I KNOW THE SECRET TO CAPTIVATING MALE ATTENTION.

And guess what? It has nothing to do with physical attributes or personality.

Before I give you the SECRET I need to give you background on information I have gathered on the male gender.

The hormone called testosterone actually causes the male brain to be more focused on goals and feelings of control.  As a result, men tend to focus more on various “missions” than on women.

While women are more likely to define their lives based on the current status of their relationships, men have a tendency to give greater importance to whatever mission they are on.

A mission can be anything from gaining recognition at work to finishing repairs on a motorcycle. The various missions he strives for will change over time. When something is wrong men want to fix it, they don’t want to talk about it.

At this point any demands from anyone (his mother, his girlfriend, or whoever) to explain himself will not create positive feelings.

Men value their freedom intensely.  Men like to feel in control. The moment you try to shift this control from his hands he will pull back farther.

OK. So now that you understand the core concept here’s my SECRET to keeping male attention, and it’s what I like to call Bella’s Butterfly Effect.

Butterflies are beautiful.  Do you know what makes them even more beautiful? They rarely linger long enough to satisfy our desire to gaze at them.  They happily move along in their pursuit of other flowers and other nectar somewhere nearby, but not as close as we’d like.

To use the butterfly effect correctly, you must do three things.

1) Make sure he understands he is SECURE in your relationship with you (let him know you find him sexy, that you can’t wait to be with him)

2) Give him his FREEDOM. He needs to be the one in control, let him have it his way. Give him all the space he needs by not pursuing him after you make him aware that you are there for him.

3) Let him miss you, so that he feels POSITIVE ANTICIPATION AND LONGING TO BE WITH YOU.

Ultimately, our longing for any given person is based on the emotions we experience when we are in their presence.  If he feels a little bit of lust, excitement, happiness, interest, intrigue and fun when he is in your presence, you have a winning combination. You’ll intoxicate him, and he’ll only want more.

So the underlying formula for getting a man to want you more comes down to how you make him feel when he’s in your presence.

In real life all of the above may translate to this scenario: when he pulls away or becomes distant, you answer with a brief check-in to deliver a batch of freshly baked cookies or a sexy text, mentioning that you can’t stay long (or talk) because you have a plan to meet up with several of your friends to watch a good movie at the theater.  Be busy and somewhat elusive.

He will come to you faster when he senses that you are off having a good time living life.  He will be drawn to you, and you will have bypassed one of the most common causes of relationship decline by not demanding answers from him when he wants to pull away.

Now these are not “games” or “tricks”. They are shortcuts to a loving and fruitful relationship. The faster we as woman understand that men are innately different creatures that don’t react or feel the way we do about things, the faster we will learn to interact with them.

Most happily married and committed couples already behave in this fashion and the women use these techniques without thinking about it because they are confident in themselves and love their partners.

Loving someone is not just a feeling.  It’s also a choice.  There is a lot of beauty in relationships that involve sustained, purposeful effort to actively love a partner, even when life gets stressful.

Now go be that beautiful butterfly, and see how your man won’t be able to do anything else but watch you in amazement. Beautiful-Butterflies-3-yorkshire_rose-12069551-1024-768-Bella

How to Use Words to Stir Up or Reclaim Your Sex Life (EXPLICIT)

WHAT IS SEX TO A MAN?

“It’s about seduction, power, ego, conquest, accomplishment, and validation. It’s about knowing he’s rendered you defenseless against his magnificent dong and incredible sexual knowledge. It’s the satisfaction that he can deliver. It’s the pride he takes in making ladylike you lose all control in the bedroom. IT IS NOT about candlelight and music. It’s about dirty f*cking. Sorry.”

Did you know that there is something such as  verbal Viagra? It is the ability to arouse a partner with words, literally. I will teach you four simple steps to being able to arouse your man with words, using an emotional “tapping” technique where at any given point, you can give your man an erection of which he has no control over. Doesn’t that sound amusing?

First of all… let me give you some background. It amazes me how we have so many liberal thoughts in this “modern age”—but when it comes to sex—some women still are (and some are expected to be) in the dark ages.

I have four children. I currently have twenty members to my immediate family. My grandmother had 11 brothers and sisters. Guess what? The women in my family enjoy sex. Where do you think all the children come from, a cabbage patch?

Part of my job is to keep discussions going amongst my friends, men and women alike, to gauge thoughts on a certain topic. Sadly, a great deal of women have lost their sexual connection with their partners, sex having become a chore. This is not surprising because from the time women are little ladies, they are taught that ladies “behave a certain way”. They are told that boys never marry the bad girls, and that good girls end up not only with the husband, but with the happy home. No wonder we associate enjoying sex with failure.

Here’s the deal: the REALITY is that those same little girls grow up. Their hormones change, and their personalities expand. What the heck are they then supposed to do with all the “feelings” of desire—their natural response as taught to them since they were young is to suppress them. Instead, I offer this solution…

First and foremost get over it. By now, you’re married, or in a committed relationship. Your husband or partner knows you’re not a whore.

Secondly, learn to COMMUNICATE your language of desire. We are sexual beings full of energy and passion. Let it out. It’s OK to initiate sex and communicate your inner desires… ESPECIALLY to your partner who is supposed to support and share a friendship with you above all else. Get out of that comfort zone of baking cookies or paying bills. Stop being his mother—he already had one—BE THE LOVER HE THOUGHT HE WAS GETTING.

Now, let’s get to the details of using verbal Viagra. There are many forms of communicating to accomplish the verbal Viagra response, but my favorite is texting. One of the greatest inventions has been the ability to text. It gives a shy woman the ability to separate herself a little from the use of embarrassing “dirty” words. It also allows for the control of the environment. I will explain further.

Have you ever had sex where you “upped the ante” just a little—had sex in a forbidden place, or a forbidden time (when the in laws were in the next room)? The added excitement builds the release and makes the act much more enjoyable. Using sexually explicit texts in a situation where you cannot act on them works in a similar way.

STEP ONE: Choose A Situation.
You need to be together where there are other people near you and its not easy for you to rush off and have sex.

– a social gathering or a party
– a group dinner
– a sporting event

It could be anything. The important detail is that you are somewhere where you can make direct eye contact and use your phones without drawing too much attention to yourselves. If he has a habit of turning his phone off or down, make sure you casually make yourself to him and tell him to check his phone.
STEP TWO: The First Message

Hit him like a TON of bricks. Don’t hold back here—it is important to take the carpet out from underneath him. Compliment how sexy he looks, or compliment him on something he did in the past.

– “You look hot in that shirt.”
– “That suit makes you fucking sexy.”
– “You looked sweaty and delicious after your workout”
– “Your ass looked good this morning when you hopped in the shower”
Expect your man to look at you like you’ve gone nuts—but LOOK FOR THE GRIN… I promise it will be there. Then wait a few minutes before you send the next text. Watch how he will rapidly grab his phone with curiosity.
STEP THREE: Get Dirty and DESCRIBE
So now that you have his attention, turn up the heat to get him physically aroused. “Do you want to see what you have done to me—wink if so.”

Now send him a series of texts (whether he winks or not—remember, he is caught off guard, so he might not have the correct responses)

“My tight…” wait 5 seconds
“Wet…” wait 5 seconds
“Throbbing” wait 5 seconds
“ kitty is aching for you, and I want to feel you inside of me right this very second” (Use your favorite choice of vagina description–I happen to love kitty).
”I want to ride you right now until you cum”.
Or, “What if I unzipped your pants right now and started sucking you. Because all I can do is think about it.”

I know, these are words you are not comfortable with. I’m Catholic—and there’s nothing like Catholic guilt, so I know it’s difficult. But there’s a point to this. The connection you will make with your partner will open doors to a companionship that you both need and will enjoy. (note: if you know your man is SUPER old fashioned, try using a more toned down, lady like language that gets the same point across)

STEP FOUR: Down to Business
Chances are when you make an early exit from the gathering, and when you are alone MAKE GOOD ON THE PROMISES—he will all of a sudden realize that he still has the ability to turn a woman on with just his presence—and there’s nothing like that feeling for a man.

ADDED SECRET ADVICE: It would make this the most erotic of experiences if you combine this tantric sex tip: Make eye contact when reaching orgasm. Right before he is ready to release, make sure to let him know you want him to look at you. This serves to quickly deepen your intimacy level and couple connection, and can make the experience absolutely earth shattering.

How To Seduce ANY Woman in 7 Steps

seduce a woman

Are you infatuated with a certain female? Are you coworkers, or internet friends– perhaps you met at a restaurant bar and haven’t been able to stop thinking about her.

Seducing a woman is an art form. It is, BY NO MEANS, a game. “Bros” who think they “got game” usually end up holding their manhood all by their lonesome at the end– it takes a real man to seduce a woman, so listen up and get ready to know exactly what you need to do to make this happen.

First and foremost, if you want to seduce a woman– or even getting her close to liking you– you need to be able to get her attention. This means standing out from the rest of the masses honing in on the same target. If you can be the kind of guy that girls want and desire, it makes seducing them the next natural step.

I tell this to both men and women, in order to prepare to receive love in your lives you have to value yourself, and become a valuable asset. This means you have to pay attention to your person, your work, your mind, your health, and the way you dress. At the end, everyone chooses a life partner by sizing up the assets that will be brought to a relationship. That is different for everybody, but the basics remain a constant. People tend to fall in love with people who can represent a long, stable, working and happy relationship. So the more you work on yourself to achieve the best possible you, the better.

STEP ONE

Women are not that difficult to read. Most men just either try to hard and blow their chances straight out, or say something wrong at the wrong time. Timing , like in everything, is of essence. Therefore, focus on building sexual tension. This is usually not obtained by being forward. Most women HATE forward men, or men that are all in their space. Instead, take a backseat approach. Let her know you like her by telling her you like how she dances, or how beautiful her eyes are. If you work together– tell her something like ” I really admire how organized you are– it’s amazing to me”. Don’t make it obvious your intention is to seduce her. Make her wonder what’s on your mind.

STEP TWO

Get close to her. If you want to seduce her, you need to get to know what makes her tick. Does she like the “alpha male” that will take over and make her feel safe and protected, does she prefer the “best friend” type of boyfriend, or is she the type of female that likes to maintain all the control. Listen to her conversation– I guarantee if she is at all receptive to seduction she will tell you EXACTLY what she is looking for within the first conversation. Take the cues she gives you to fit into her world, which will make you more likeable.  Don’t come on too strong when trying to get close– you may frighten her away. Be warm and friendly, and don’t hit on her the first night. Make sure before the end of the conversation that she knows you are an alpha male, by telling her just ONE thing about what you expect in the woman of your dreams– “she has to take care of herself, she has to love music”, etc. But keep it on the lighter side– no religion or politics. The idea you will transfer in her head is” “I can be that woman”. We all love a challenge.

STEP THREE

The rules of texting are straight forward. the night time conversations and texting should be more on the flirty side, during the day, however, keep all conversations normal and do not refer to the flirty texts UNLESS SHE DOES. Live two telephone lives.  This will intrigue and confuse her, thereby making you a “more valuable” asset, and build up the sexual energy.

STEP FOUR

Build the sexual tension. So you have talked on the phone, maybe have gone out to lunch. (I know what you’re thinking– “Seducing her takes more than one day?”– the answer is YES. Unless she’s easy.) By now, she should feel a “tingle” each time you touch her accidentally or otherwise. This is where you make her crave your touch. Let your hand linger on her back, or her arm, Whisper something in her ear, play with her fingers when no one is watching. Build the sexual attraction right, and she will turn to putty.

STEP FIVE

The first dirty conversation. All those flirty texts border-lining on naughty have been culminating to the first phone sex/ text. This is a very important step NOT TO SKIP. If you take her to bed before this, you risk it not going as she imagined– but if you play it out first on the phone, you will know what makes her excited, thereby giving you a lead in the lovemaking department, and assuring yourself a successful outcome for the first encounter. Start simple, ask her a question that seems innocent but can lead to something dirty. “what are you wearing right now” will always get you there.

STEP SIX

After the first dirty conversation, ask her out THE NEXT DAY. Please do not wait longer than that. She will feel used and everything that you have been building will come crashing down as she will start envisioning the 101 ways she wants to murder you.

STEP SEVEN

At the end of the date, DO NOT TAKE HER TO BED! Just make out with her, passionately touch her, but save the sex for the one last night when she will be in your total control. Make sure to tell her that you enjoy everything about her– and that she is important to you.

Women are a mystery– but they are all pretty much moved the same way sexually. If she’s worth it, you will play it right. The 7 infallible steps I have just given you will assure you to have any woman that you set your eyes on. If played by key, it will also assure you the best sex of your life. Your welcome.

-Bella