Archive for July, 2016

They Are Perfect, But… by Bella Bardot                   


I have gotten a couple of emails lately from friends who are dating people who are “perfect”-but they have one flaw that is preventing them from taking the next step, so I have decided to address the issue in this blog hoping to help with my personal experiences.

Back during my college days I started dating a man who was amazing. Great career, financially stable, intelligent, caring, protective, quite the gentleman.

One day, as we were watching television while laying on the couch, I found myself holding him from his back. As I started giving peck kisses to his beautifully toned back he turned around to give me a kiss and right there, like a record that comes to a rude scratch, I pulled away.

The man I was dating was perfect– but I couldn’t get past the shape of his nose. I remember excusing myself and getting out of there quickly. I had been dating him for a couple of months but this was the last time I wanted to be near his advances. because at that instance, I realized I would never get past the nose. I know, soooooooo shallow of me, right?

I pride myself in being a person that is accepting and kind. I have raised my children to love all across the board, this is very important to me. So how can I have it inside of me to measure someone else’s appearance that way?

I couldn’t understand it for a while. It took a lot of years of being in a strong and happy relationship to figure out why something so superficial had been a part me me.

You see, it wasn’t that I was superficial- it’s that I wasn’t “hot” for him. Yes, the shape of his nose had a lot to do with it- it was a turn off for me- for my personal taste. But it was enough to turn me cold. So no matter how proud I was to hang around him because he was extraordinary, behind closed doors I wasn’t happy.

Through the years I have realized that relationships take work, and during the “down” times, it is almost necessary to maintain a level of “hot for you”.

When you are sexually attracted to your partner, you are able to maintain a kind of lightness in your relationship. There is always a newness and a discoverability that maintains the partnership together.

This doesnt mean that people are sexually attractive to only people with perfect features- it just means that people are attracted to what they are attracted to- and that hardly changes.

Whether it’s a physical trait, an emotional factor, a financial perspective, or a moral one- if there’s something that actually turns you “off”, it will probably only get bigger. I’m not talking about those things that can be worked through- I’m talking about something you can’t put your finger on that just stops you from sexually craving the person.

I have seen couples come to an end at several stages in their marriages/long term relationships. It seems that for one reason or another, the cause of the breakup had always existed, and has been there from Day One. So watch for this.

People lie to themselves and short themselves by settling with relationships that are less than their dream, because they are afraid of getting too old, or never finding “the one”, or because of societal pressures.

The truth is, by settling, we assure ourselves future sadness. Seriously, who wants that?

What makes you hot about someone doesn’t necessarily turn the next guy on. That’s why they say there’s always someone perfect for somebody. I know for a fact that man I dated found his true love.

So to the friends that have taken the time to write to me to ask whether they should stay in these relationships my answer is quick and simple. Move on. NOW.

It’s better to cut now and go through a bit of pain than to accumulate years of dissatisfaction. We only live once- allow yourself to find YOUR total-package. Don’t worry about the rest, it will fall into place.

Marry someone you are hot for. Sometimes, it will be the only thing that will carry you through some of the difficult times. And I promise you, during the great times, being with someone you’re hot for makes you feel like you own the world!