Archive for December, 2015

Men Love Women They Are Attracted To, Women Are Attracted To the Men They Love by Bella Bardot

DET 2012 Fisher Beauty and the Beast Belle and Beast__photo_by_joan_marcusLast night I saw a couple that seemed totally altogether too different to be a couple. She was outgoing, vivacious, and quite a looker. The man, on the other hand, seemed cold, disconnected, serene, and although not entirely unattractive, his personality made him look older than he probably really is.

So I started thinking, what makes us choose some people to fall in love with , and not others?

I have written a great deal on physical chemistry and attraction. There are definite rules that we can follow to attract more people and character traits that we can implement  to open up more possibilities of romance. But in the end, lasting relationships are based on much more than initial attraction.

Many psychologists believe that the experience of romantic love involves two basic patterns. One deals with attractiveness, or the attraction to the external appearance, and the second deals with appraisal, the recognition of positive personal characteristics (cleanliness, culture, financial independence, care-giving ability, parent material– these all fall into this category). Falling and staying in love then requires the presence of both patterns.

It makes sense then that most people try to find a happy balance within these two patterns. The more attractive you are, the more you will wish that people love you for your appraisal characteristics– the less attractive you are, the more you want to be admired for your external appearance. Since the attractiveness pattern is associated with change (something “new”, a fresh face or body) and the appraisal pattern is associated with familiarity (what we know, what makes us feel safe because its familiar), most of us try to align our search for mates based on our traditions and upbringing. As we age, and as years pass in monogamous relationships, the “change” associated in the first pattern obviously disappears quickly, whereas the appraisal has room to grow.

It is important then that the relationship bonds quickly in the first years of marriage to allow for the immediate growth of appraisal. However many couples, especially the women in the relationship because of the value they place on appraisal versus attraction, take this too far too fast. Which is why we hear the words so often: “she let herself go”.

If you follow my blog and lifestyle you know how much I am against laying down the weapons in the beauty battle. I have never understood nor do I condone women who all of a sudden stop taking care of the physical, and subjugate the man to equally let go of his appearance after marriage. No wonder men are more and more afraid of getting married, they have heard and seen the horror stories first hand. No matter what age you are, no matter how thin or heavy you are, or what kind of physical attributes you were gifted or not gifted with, we always have the ability to promote our best self,  the fact that we are breeding familiarity for the appraisal category does not mean that this familiarity has to be unattractive!

Psychologists also agree that women and men approach their love quotient differently within these two categories. Men tend to base more on attraction, women tend to base more on appraisal. Therefore, it seems that for a man to love a woman, he must be attracted to her, and for a woman to be attracted to  a man, the possibility to love has to be there.

Starting to make sense?  This basically breaks down the common denominator in every single strange relationship you have ever come across. Attraction for a male does not just lay in the physical appearance– the way she talks, the way she handles herself, her attitude– all of those are qualities in the attraction scale that a man uses and links to triggers from his past. For example, lets use Charlie’s Angels, the 70’s television series.

What made Charlie’s Angels so fantastic was the fact that there was a woman for every taste. You had the sexy blonde (Farrah Fawcett), the intelligent brunette (Kate Jackson), and then the brunette that encompassed the sexiness, the tenderness and the wit (Jaclyn Smith). Most boys that grew up during this era had a fixation with at least one. This fixation might have been carried over into their adult lives, and they now look for blondes or brunettes with the characteristics from these ladies.

The same happens in every other era. People tend to find attractive what they familiarized themselves with growing up. A mother’s smile, the way she cooked, the way a father took care of his daughter, all these are qualities that make their way into our attractiveness category, Appraisal then, is in this way linked to attractiveness, so it becomes easy for couples to meld the two until seemingly the attractiveness category is allowed to disappear.

Romantic love is therefore a balance of both attraction and appraisal. Love is then a subjective experience– meaning that it is a personal and individual one. We cannot fully understand why that beautiful woman is into that man who seems to be a total ogre, or why that extremely handsome man forgoes the goddess and goes for the plain Jane.

It is all a matter of what we are laying down for our own foundation and what we think we are capable of keeping. Perhaps that beautiful woman and gorgeous man don’t think they could keep a very attractive person long in their lives, because they actually suffer from low self esteem, or perhaps the unattractive male has such high self esteem that he believes that only a goddess can accommodate his standards.

The same goes for women who stick by men who have personality issues or vices, or men that seem to always attach themselves to the women who will certainly break their heart, while ignoring the ones who will take care of it the most, because of their preconceived notions.

Now that we know how what we base our love interests on, there is another particular pattern  that doesn’t fit into either of these two that needs recognition. There seems to be a level of knowledge that has a deeper seeding than BOTH the attractiveness or appraisal pattern, and it lies in the heart. It is that one little voice that doesn’t stop talking to you about a certain person. It is that beat that skips, that butterfly that flutters, it is that breath that gets taken away. Some call it fate, others call it soul mates, some call them split-aparts.

Whatever you title it, it is that one Godly and spiritual recognition inside of you that is pointing you in the right direction. You have been preparing for it all your life. All of your experiences (the good and the bad ones) have been meant so that you find it. It is called TRUE LOVE, and when it calls to you, you should most certainly answer, eyes closed.

-Bella

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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