I get a lot of questions and requests emailed to me by my friends. Among the many things that  I find myself answering over and over again through the years is this little question about the opposite sex – “Bella, how I can tame my husband or my boyfriend so he could be more into me?”

My friends know I’m happily married to a man that has a very strong character; whose chosen  profession keeps him on high alert and working at a level of stress that can affect his family relationships easily. However, he’s content in the nest I’ve created for us, and although he’s commanding at work– at home, he is happy to give me my ‘crown’. At the same time, he praises me and shows me affection and unconditional love – how have I accomplished this?

The first rule is one you are not going to like, ladies. The main rule to tame your man is to accept him for who is right now. This means no nagging, no scolding, no looks that could kill. Accept your man as he is – with all its flaws that bother you. It is the only way you can level the playing field and be able to take this relationship where you want to go. If the man feels that he is always criticized, he will start seeing you as an enemy, and as someone that he can not trust. Conversely, if he thinks that you accept him for who he is and that you love him unconditionally, he is more open to receiving your advice—thereby creating an open doorway that you can potentially go through in order to get what you want.

The second rule: Appreciate the things he does now. Doesn’t send flowers? (but he’s a good father) Does not whisper sweet things in your ear? (but never misses dinner time at home with you) Becomes impossible when the “game” is on? (but has no vices). Find the good things that you like about him and wouldn’t want to see change. Start to praise him for these virtues BIG TIME! This will not only help you remember the good things in your relationship, but it will help him feel like a better man, one that is appreciated by you.  Studies have shown that the biggest reason a man is unfaithful is because he doesn’t feel appreciated—so praising him for the good things he does now will only perpetuate happiness in the relationship.

The third rule: Transference. This rule is really just rule number two—taken the distance. Start telling your beloved just how important he is to you. Explain that when you’re away at work, all that you can do is think about how your favorite place to be is right next to him, just watching TV.  Tell him how you can’t wait to be next to him because that’s your safe zone, and there is nothing better than when the two of you are together (he might look at you as if you’re crazy at first, but trust me, THIS WORKS!) Tell him he’s your best friend – that no one in the world could take his place. Pour it on. THICK.

The fourth rule: Pat him on the head. Did you know patting someone on the head gives you the position of power? (Like our parents patted us when we were children – or as you would pat a puppy’s head) The next time you’re cuddling, pat him on the head in a loving way, mixing it with gentle strokes. Your mate will subliminally interpret this as you having the power position. The man needs to feel pampered and protected – and when intimately caressed this way, he will transfer his trust to you over his body and being.

The final rule: Ask him for things in a low voice. Men hate the loud pitch a woman can make when she’s angry or in a hurry—it makes them feel belittled, and they tend to run from a woman like that – and many times they run straight into the arms of someone else. So from now on, ask him things quietly.  You can make it sexy or you can make it girlish. Try to hug him or caress him when you are asking for what you want in this low tone—and you’re sure to succeed. The reasoning behind this is that men can argue with logic all day long, but they fall short on how to argue with feelings, so if you’re making him feel good, he will argue less about giving you what you want.

Lastly, as the daughter of my mother, if the above does not work as fast as you would like, as the Queen of Salsa,Celia Cruz, once sang – “mix a brew of lemon, mint and brown sugar without shame”… but those tips, ladies, are for another article altogether! (hehe)


If you’re in a relationship with an abusive partner or if your partner has a problem with alcohol or addiction – these tips are not for you. If you are in a relationship with these types of issues, please seek appropriate professional help.  These are not your problems to fix alone, because there is nothing that you’re doing wrong to begin with!

    • Robyn cooper
    • November 29th, 2012

    My fiance has a verrry big personality, and people have advised me to not walk on his shadow…. I have tried to do this, but this has only caused arguments. It is almost as though I must stay inferior in order to keep the peace.
    He has had a turbulent past, and now what has affected him then, is somehow having an effect on our relationship through his short temper and ego. He has plainly said that there is no way he will see a psychologist….so how do I climb over this obstacle on my own?

    • The secret to every lasting relationship is loving yourself. If your parameters are being crossed (and YOU know when they are, if you don’t lie to yourself) then its time to strengthen those parameters. Sometimes, confrontation is not the key– the key usually lies on what you think you deserve. Remember, you have control over your own actions at every moment.

      Without knowing the whole story or all the issues its is difficult to give you a complete answer, but self confidence is key. I am happy with myself at all times, I believe that my partner is blessed to have me (because I treat him with love and respect), and that self confidence shows.

      I never take time to try and change my partner, when I am unhappy with something, I merely make suggestions– or sometimes during a conversation I point out difficulties in other relationships and then pose my own opinion– that way, he doesn’t feel as if I am threatening him, I am simply giving an opinion to someone else’s problem– so he ends up clearly knowing how I feel, without being judged himself!


    • bethany
    • February 12th, 2013

    This is awesome advice. I laughed while I read all five because it makes perfect sense. Love is so powerful . .
    Thank you!

    • Lyna
    • May 5th, 2013

    You are very good writer. it is a talant to describe so clear how to react or what to say in some difficult situation in relationship. Somehow I feel that you looking through my eyes…
    Great. Thank you!!!

    • Theresa
    • December 29th, 2013

    I just LOVE this piece, thank you.

    I have always been upfront, black and white, no grey areas in my relationship. However, 2 years on I feel I need to improve myself to get the results I want from my partner.

    He has been increasingly selfish, going out till the morning after, leaving me to care for his daughter alone, socially taking drugs and thinking its the norm because ‘everyone is doing it’.

    I feel he is a man, I shouldn’t have to give him boundaries nor should i give him a curfew. Yesterday we went to a wedding and i ended up driving home alone because he wanted to go out, i tried to stay strong and tell him to come home with me, (i obviously haven’t learnt my lesson) I gave him till 2am to come home and of course he let me down.

    Being extra sweet, being affectionate when asking for something or showing appreciation through completion of daily duties (i.e. doing the dishes or laundry) I have always been against.

    I believe in the case of my partner he is a simple male and making these small gestures should increase my chances of a happier relationship.

    Now to practice being sweet (adds sugar), my girlfriends would laugh.

    I have been at my mothers, crying and feeling miserable all day, your post has given me hope and a sense of joy. It is now 12:50am and your message has breathed light into my soul.

    Thank you again! 🙂

    • piya
    • May 12th, 2015

    hi Bella,

    my husband is very very reluctant human. he is least bothered about what is going on in family. he can only take care of his job well. I feel tired sometime. i tried everything but couple discussion bores him. if i get frustrated and start yelling, that is uncivilized to him. I feel I am the only living being in the house. utter boring person. I am married for 2 years, no vacation ever. I am loosing interest. am I wrong?

    • Suchita
    • August 14th, 2015

    It doesn’t work for me. My husband use very abusive language to talk to me, I tried to keep calm and quite but it’s impossible. He is a egoistic person, he feels that he is the only one who is right and the rest are nonsense. And I m the biggest fool, duffer, idiot, etc.etc. in his tone.
    He don’t consider me anything. Each and every single thing matters to him except me.
    I love him so much I can’t leave him.
    I want him to be the same as he was when I loved him.
    He is my one and only love, I can’t live without him.

    • Ofcourse you can live without him! You weren’t BORN with him, right? That last comment on its own tells me everything that’s wrong. You MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST before any of your relationships has a chance of being successful. Get to know yourself. Work on your spirit and your essence– that is the key.

    • Shane
    • January 6th, 2016

    Thank for writing this… IIt makes me wanted to learn more from you. There are only few successful relationships nowadays and yours is definitely admirable… I want to know how to deal with when your partner (man) is not apologizing or even realizing his mistakes? I’m so annoyed with this feeling

    • Hello Shane! Thanks for the question. OFCOURSE it’s annoying, but I have a strict rule– when I am arguing with my mate after a period of time in the discussion I realize that it’s better to step away from the matter. Usually, what happens is the point of contention ous n gets diffused, and what was probably going to end up an argument based on ego, becomes much less important in the scheme of things. It is never a good idea to be defined by your partners actions or behavior–that belongs to them. Be certain of who you are and what you bring to the relationship and in no time you will see that half the battles are already won! XO- Bella

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